Is it time to panic...?

I wrote this post over the course of a week, about a month ago. I've saved it, and added to it, and lumped everything together as one post. I almost deleted it, but decided to keep it, as it's about a life-changing event. Part of me wants to forget, but a bigger part of me wants to remember every last detail. I just changed my blog settings to private anyway, and unless you made note of my url and type it in, which I seriously doubt anyone did, then you can't even view my blog anyway. Let me warn you, this one isn't pretty.

Is it time to panic?

Friday, November 6

Well, maybe.

TMI alert.....

I'm a few days late.

Baby Girl has been extra fussy while nursing the past week. She'll be nursing along happily, and then will come off and just cry, like she doesn't like the milk.

Has my milk changed?

My boobs hurt.

I'm warning you, this is REALLY TMI....

The Husband and I haven't exactly been careful.

Oh my.

I keep telling myself that these are most likely normal hormonal fluctuations related to my cycle and to the fact that I'm still nursing.

Probably.

Hopefully.

Please!!

I'm not ready for another baby. I go into a panic just thinking about the possibility. I mean, Baby Girl woke up at 11 last night, then was up again at 4:30 (up as in for the day, I don't know what's gotten into her), took a 30 minute nap this morning, and then only went down for a real nap at 4:00 pm. While this is a more extreme example, her sleep habits in general are not good.

I'm completely and utterly exhausted.

I keep thinking, "three kids under the age of four."

So, is it time to panic?

I'm not sure, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Monday, November 9

So, it's now 3 days later. Still no news.

No Aunt Flo.

I've had varied test results. You would think that pregnancy test results would be black or white, yes or no. Apparently, after having two pregnancies and no prior difficulty with pregnancy tests, I've lost my ability to either take a test correctly or read it correctly.

This is an emotional roller coaster. Like I said, we weren't trying for a baby, are not ready for a baby, and don't know how we would manage a third child right now.

I can't even fit three car seats in my car!

However.....were it to happen we would be thrilled! We love our children so much, they bring us so much joy, that another would be such a blessing. I'm going from feelings of panic and terror to feeling overjoyed and experiencing a giddy excitement at the idea of being pregnant. Then I feel a profoundly deep disappointment when I get a negative test result. And then when the next day comes around and I need to test again, it starts all over again.

This can't go on forever, eventually (soon, I hope) one of two things will happen, I'll know for sure, and we can get on with whatever the future holds for our family.

Later on Monday Night...

Well, I finally know for sure.

Thankfully I don't feel like panicking, but celebrating!

Baby Number 3 is due in mid July! I was worried about having three kids ages 4 and under, but I will have three kids 3 and under! OMG! I am literally shaking as I write this. So many emotions, but I'm glad to say, mainly joy and excitement.

I can't wait to tell The Husband!

What a surprise, what a blessing!

Tuesday, November 10 A.M.

Bleeding. I'm in between doctors, so I had to call a new one and tell them what's going on. They said it sounds like a miscarriage, but it could also be something else and nothing to worry about. They'll see me in 4 days. Yes, I have to wait 4 days to find out. This is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. This sucks.

Friday, November 13

Finally had my doctor's appointment. She's a new doctor, and I really like her. Anyway, she confirmed a miscarriage. AWFUL words to have to hear. She said that one of two things likely happened, and while I understand the nuances of both, they both sound pretty similar to me. Anyway, either I had 1. what she called a chemical pregnancy, where an egg was fertilized, a small change in hormones occurred (causing the positive test), but then nothing else happened and my period came as usual. Or, I 2. became pregnant, but since I'm still nursing, my progesterone levels were too low to support a pregnancy past a few weeks, so I miscarried.

It all sounds so clinical. I only hear, "you were pregnant but now your not. There will be no baby."

For someone who, a week ago, was in a literal panic over the idea of a baby, I sure am upset over not having one now. It's weird, but my body probably did what it was supposed to do. I mean, it's still nourishing a baby, so it probably thought it shouldn't grow another infant right now. That's what women's bodies are supposed to do, right? Well, instead I feel betrayed by my body; I feel like it harmed my baby. Irrational, I know. Hormones and grief obviously don't mix well.

Saturday, November 14

Today is a bit better, but I think I'm depressed. The Husband is out of town. He had a fishing trip scheduled, and I didn't ask him to stay home. It's been forever and a day since he's done something nice for himself. Little Man went to stay with Grandma last night, so it was just me and Baby Girl. Let me just tell you, I have been LAZY. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it lazy, maybe it's just taking some time for myself. However, it's about 2 pm, I'm still in my pjs. Baby Girl is still in her pjs. My house is a dirty, messy disaster. I told my elderly neighbor I would bring him dinner tonight, I haven't started it. I was supposed to pick up Little Man a few hours ago, but must cook dinner and get dressed first. Luckily, I think Grandma understands.

A Few Weeks Later

A few weeks have now gone by, and thankfully I'm feeling better. I've accepted the fact that I've had a miscarriage. That now I'm part of a group that I wanted no part of. Of course, I'm still a bit sad when I think about what could have been, but being with my two healthy, beautiful, loving children is the best medicine on earth. I'm comforted by the knowledge that these types of things aren't in our hands, but in God's. He has given me immeasurable comfort over the past few days, it really is amazing what peace He can bring. He's reminded me to be thankful for the wonderful family that I have, and if and when it's ever time for more children, He will make it happen.

An addition to "Why I'm always cleaning and yet it's always a mess... "

Look what I found on my couch, just after The Husband said, "I hope he (Little Man) didn't get on the couch with his Cheeto hands."

Thanksgiving

Three Thanksgiving dinners.

No wonder I'm having trouble buttoning my pants.

Hehe, I'm not complaining, I love Thanksgiving, the more the better, I say!

As tradition in my family dictates, Thanksgiving started out on the Sunday before, at my dad's house. All my aunts, uncles, and cousins come over for the feast. We've been celebrating on the Sunday before for as long as I can remember. Our family is fairly big, and a while back it became hard for everyone to meet on the actual holiday, so we just made the Sunday prior to Thanksgiving our own special holiday. This year was special, as Baby Girl had her picture taken in my grandmother's high chair. My grandmother was an only child, and when she became a mother her parents gave her her high chair. She used it with all five of her children, and all of us grandchildren used it when we were at Memom's house. Now that there are great grandchildren running about, we try to make sure they sit in it at least once, which is not hard to do, because we actually use it, and we make sure to take a picture. I think it's sweet that we have pictures of my children eating my the same high chair that I, my father, and my grandmother used. I'm a bit sappy like that. ;)

We had a few days rest and then onto the real Thanksgiving. Back to my dad's house, for a smaller celebration with just the immediate family. My mother in law always joins us, too. After dinner we sit around the fire in the den, look through the paper, talk about Christmas wish lists for the kids, and, of course, watch football. (I could care less about football, I've tried to like it, but I guess it's just not in the cards.) Anyway, we drink a bit of wine, then coffee, and just enjoy each other's company. It's always very enjoyable.

Normally that would be the end of Thanksgiving, but this year my mother-in-law decided to buy a turkey, so a few days later she called and asked us to come over for dinner. So we did and were surprised by another feast! Oh my gosh! We don't mind, though, since we don't have Thanksgiving at our house, we never have any leftovers. Three dinners makes up for that!

What bountiful blessings we have!

Busy Bees

Whew, it's been busy around here, lately. I need to catch up on my blog, there are so many things I don't want to forget!

The kids have been keeping us on our toes, they are busier than ever! Baby Girl is walking a bit, but she still seems to prefer to crawl most of the time. She's climbing on all the furniture, the stairs, up Little Man's step stools, pretty much everything she can get to. She and Little Man have a new game, they like to take all the toy bins and dump them in the den floor. Every single last one of them. It makes for some interesting clean up before bed.

Little Man has really blossomed over the past few weeks, he is more and more a big boy vs. a baby. How did it happen so fast?! He has an amazing memory, last night he read The Husband and I one of his bedtime stories, My Lucky Day, and remembered almost every word! It isn't a short book, either! The Husband and I were so proud! He also, and this is big, gave up his paci! He's only been using it during naptime and bedtime for the last year or so, but we've been unable to wean it away from him during sleepytime. I had read about the trick where you cut just the tip of the paci away, so that it loses suction, and decided to try it. Little Man noticed right away, of course, but he still wanted to use it. He asked, "what's wrong with paci?" I told him that he was getting to be a big boy, and his paci's were getting old, too, and that after a while they just break. Then I said, "when you're pacis break that means it's time to throw them away and not use pacis anymore." Little Man agreed! The next morning he threw them all in the trash and hasn't looked back! He is getting to be so big!

On another note, I've been making lots of cakes. A few friends and I threw a baby shower here at the house, and I made the petit fours, cake, and diaper cake. It was a lot of fun, but wow, also a lot of work!

I also made a cake for mom's office Christmas party. It was my first square cake, it surprised me how difficult corners are! There was definitely a "back" to this cake! I also ran out of red and green fondant, I would have liked to have had a few more decorative touches, but since it's impossible to match colors once they're made, I just left the cake as is.

I can't forget to mention the Christmas shopping! I shopped on Black Friday for the first time ever! I was planning on getting up and hitting the stores when they opened at 5:00, but Baby Girl was up half the night, so I didn't get out until 6:30. I didn't find any major deals, but I did manage to find several little ones. Every little bit helps, right!? Plus, it was a lot of fun, I think it will be a new tradition for me.

13 Months

Baby Girl is 13 months old! Yes, I realize that I still haven't posted about her first birthday, time on the computer is a rare treat these days.


She is taking steps here and there, she mainly only walks to her momma or daddy, but she can do it!


She has a few new words: nana (banana), nite-nite, and Moo-moo (a nickname for one of our dogs.)


She's doing all sorts of cute things, the points to our noses and goes, "Ahh?" with an occasional attempt at "nose."


She copies everything her big brother does, especially giving zerberts, which is one of his favorite things to do right now.


She's a dancing queen, my parents have started calling her boogie-baby! Anytime any music comes on, from the tv, radio, or a toy, she starts dancing and waving her arms - it's so cute!


She's still not the best sleeper, oh how I can't wait until she regularly sleeps through the night. She's in her crib during the night, although if she's waking up frequently I'll bring her downstairs so she won't wake up Little Man.


She is such a flirt! My mom goes to the same grocery store as I do, and when she goes to the store the employees will say, "your granddaughter was in here earlier, she was just talking and laughing with everyone!"


She's very sweet and gives out lots of hugs and kisses, she likes to hug her baby dolls, too. She's most definitely a girly-girl {complete with attitude ;) }.

Happy 13 months, Sweet Baby Girl!

Today's soapbox...

Why don't people RSVP anymore?

I've been guilty of not rsvp'ing a few times myself, but since reaching adulthood I'm almost always curteous enough to do it. I always, always intend to do it.

I'm throwing a baby shower this weekend, along with a few friends. It's at my house (stress!).

Out of the 31 people invited, only 13 rsvp'd.

My phone number and email address were clearly printed on the invite, along with a request to let us know if you would be attending. We do have to feed you, you know.

I'm making the cake. A cute little cake that will feed about 15.

Do I need to make a whole second cake? A few cupcakes, cookies? Who knows, 13 people could show up, or 31. It's a guess.

Why, people, why??

Just call me already, aaaahhhh!!

One Year :)

Baby Girl had her one year checkup today.

She was deemed just fine and healthy, as I expected.

What a blessing!

She weighs 21 lbs 5 oz

Edit : I wrote this intending to add onto it, but of course forgot. So now I don't really remember what Baby Girl was up to on her first birthday. :( Oh well, I wrote a post about her at 13 months, guess that will have to do! Here is a little bit about her birthday, though...

After a small birthday celebration with just the four of us on Baby Girl's real birthday, we had a small family/close friends party at the house the next day. By now anyone reading this has probably noticed that I don't really post pics of the kids, so a few pics of the decorations will have to do. Everyone had a great time, including Baby Girl, who LOVED her smash cake, which was mostly whipped cream. She dug right in, smashed it around, and said, "ohhhh!" She wore a cute brown little sweater dress with stockings and a bow for the occasion. Very chic. ;)

We all enjoyed celebrating the day Baby Girl came into our lives.

We love you bunches, Sweet Girl!