Is it time to panic...?

I wrote this post over the course of a week, about a month ago. I've saved it, and added to it, and lumped everything together as one post. I almost deleted it, but decided to keep it, as it's about a life-changing event. Part of me wants to forget, but a bigger part of me wants to remember every last detail. I just changed my blog settings to private anyway, and unless you made note of my url and type it in, which I seriously doubt anyone did, then you can't even view my blog anyway. Let me warn you, this one isn't pretty.

Is it time to panic?

Friday, November 6

Well, maybe.

TMI alert.....

I'm a few days late.

Baby Girl has been extra fussy while nursing the past week. She'll be nursing along happily, and then will come off and just cry, like she doesn't like the milk.

Has my milk changed?

My boobs hurt.

I'm warning you, this is REALLY TMI....

The Husband and I haven't exactly been careful.

Oh my.

I keep telling myself that these are most likely normal hormonal fluctuations related to my cycle and to the fact that I'm still nursing.

Probably.

Hopefully.

Please!!

I'm not ready for another baby. I go into a panic just thinking about the possibility. I mean, Baby Girl woke up at 11 last night, then was up again at 4:30 (up as in for the day, I don't know what's gotten into her), took a 30 minute nap this morning, and then only went down for a real nap at 4:00 pm. While this is a more extreme example, her sleep habits in general are not good.

I'm completely and utterly exhausted.

I keep thinking, "three kids under the age of four."

So, is it time to panic?

I'm not sure, but when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Monday, November 9

So, it's now 3 days later. Still no news.

No Aunt Flo.

I've had varied test results. You would think that pregnancy test results would be black or white, yes or no. Apparently, after having two pregnancies and no prior difficulty with pregnancy tests, I've lost my ability to either take a test correctly or read it correctly.

This is an emotional roller coaster. Like I said, we weren't trying for a baby, are not ready for a baby, and don't know how we would manage a third child right now.

I can't even fit three car seats in my car!

However.....were it to happen we would be thrilled! We love our children so much, they bring us so much joy, that another would be such a blessing. I'm going from feelings of panic and terror to feeling overjoyed and experiencing a giddy excitement at the idea of being pregnant. Then I feel a profoundly deep disappointment when I get a negative test result. And then when the next day comes around and I need to test again, it starts all over again.

This can't go on forever, eventually (soon, I hope) one of two things will happen, I'll know for sure, and we can get on with whatever the future holds for our family.

Later on Monday Night...

Well, I finally know for sure.

Thankfully I don't feel like panicking, but celebrating!

Baby Number 3 is due in mid July! I was worried about having three kids ages 4 and under, but I will have three kids 3 and under! OMG! I am literally shaking as I write this. So many emotions, but I'm glad to say, mainly joy and excitement.

I can't wait to tell The Husband!

What a surprise, what a blessing!

Tuesday, November 10 A.M.

Bleeding. I'm in between doctors, so I had to call a new one and tell them what's going on. They said it sounds like a miscarriage, but it could also be something else and nothing to worry about. They'll see me in 4 days. Yes, I have to wait 4 days to find out. This is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. This sucks.

Friday, November 13

Finally had my doctor's appointment. She's a new doctor, and I really like her. Anyway, she confirmed a miscarriage. AWFUL words to have to hear. She said that one of two things likely happened, and while I understand the nuances of both, they both sound pretty similar to me. Anyway, either I had 1. what she called a chemical pregnancy, where an egg was fertilized, a small change in hormones occurred (causing the positive test), but then nothing else happened and my period came as usual. Or, I 2. became pregnant, but since I'm still nursing, my progesterone levels were too low to support a pregnancy past a few weeks, so I miscarried.

It all sounds so clinical. I only hear, "you were pregnant but now your not. There will be no baby."

For someone who, a week ago, was in a literal panic over the idea of a baby, I sure am upset over not having one now. It's weird, but my body probably did what it was supposed to do. I mean, it's still nourishing a baby, so it probably thought it shouldn't grow another infant right now. That's what women's bodies are supposed to do, right? Well, instead I feel betrayed by my body; I feel like it harmed my baby. Irrational, I know. Hormones and grief obviously don't mix well.

Saturday, November 14

Today is a bit better, but I think I'm depressed. The Husband is out of town. He had a fishing trip scheduled, and I didn't ask him to stay home. It's been forever and a day since he's done something nice for himself. Little Man went to stay with Grandma last night, so it was just me and Baby Girl. Let me just tell you, I have been LAZY. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it lazy, maybe it's just taking some time for myself. However, it's about 2 pm, I'm still in my pjs. Baby Girl is still in her pjs. My house is a dirty, messy disaster. I told my elderly neighbor I would bring him dinner tonight, I haven't started it. I was supposed to pick up Little Man a few hours ago, but must cook dinner and get dressed first. Luckily, I think Grandma understands.

A Few Weeks Later

A few weeks have now gone by, and thankfully I'm feeling better. I've accepted the fact that I've had a miscarriage. That now I'm part of a group that I wanted no part of. Of course, I'm still a bit sad when I think about what could have been, but being with my two healthy, beautiful, loving children is the best medicine on earth. I'm comforted by the knowledge that these types of things aren't in our hands, but in God's. He has given me immeasurable comfort over the past few days, it really is amazing what peace He can bring. He's reminded me to be thankful for the wonderful family that I have, and if and when it's ever time for more children, He will make it happen.