Letter Days

When I was about 9 or 10, I read this book called Night of the Twisters. I was obsessed with/terrified of storms, mainly tornadoes. Not too strange since we typically have a few hit our area each year. Anyway...I remember how the book begins, talking about red letter days and black letter days. About how they almost always start out like any other day. You wake up, get ready, go about your business, and then BAM, something happens to make it memorable, for the good or the bad.

I was reminded of that opening, to a book I read 20+ years ago, when my mom called me tonight.

She told me that her doctor feels that she has some indications of ovarian cancer.

My mom. Black. Letter. Day.

Her doctor is not diagnosing her, but sending her out for a special kind of scan. Never mind that before I had kids, I worked in the medical field, but the name/type of the scan escapes me. I've noticed that medical knowledge tends to flee when it concerns a family member.

Normally I would not be upset about this. My mom is one of those people who is always going to the doctor for some weird thing. If she doesn't like the answer one doc gives her, she'll go to another, and another. It sounds harsh, but when she's talking about her medical woes, I've kind of learned to tune it out, or take it with a grain of salt.

This is different.

A few weeks ago I almost called her and told her she needed to get tested for ovarian cancer. I had the most overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell her this. I had watched a segment of a talk show, and a doctor on the show said something that resonated so well with one of my mom's mysterious symptoms, and then he said it was a good indicator of ovarian cancer. Apparently doctors are learning more and more about this cancer, and they are starting to recognize some warning signs. Anyway...I didn't call. I didn't want to create drama, as I knew it would freak my mom out. I mean, it would freak me out if someone called me and told me that. Besides, her mysterious symptom had been diagnosed as something else and treated. Still, I felt that I should call her, but I didn't.

The lesson here is to listen to your intuition. How many times am I going to have to be shown that?!

Mom also has a few other seemingly (and hopefully) random symptoms that could indicate ovarian cancer. Scary

Her scan is Monday. That's a long time to wait. I can't believe I'm writing this down, but my mom and I have a bit of a rift in our relationship. I'm not sure what the source of it is, but it's there. When I think about our relationship, I feel like a total and complete sh*t. Excuse me for saying so. I've been a bit of a witch to my mom over the years. Not overtly, not purposely, but still. I will be immediately working on that.

My prayer is that this will all blow over and everything will be okay. That maybe this is the nudge I've needed to chuck all the baggage out the window and just wholly love my mom for who she is, flaws and all. She certainly loves me for who I am, flaws and all. I've been praying lately for something to give in out relationship and that we could somehow manage to be closer, like we used to be. Maybe this is God's answer. I have been told before to be careful what you ask for, you just might get it, but not the way you expected.

I'm hoping that in hindsight, I will see this as a Red Letter Day after all.

*Praying*